Go Out and Do Good

I am on the journey.
For a long time none of the things I love had any cohesiveness.  Being in service, teaching, counseling, building community, art. . . but you know, it's funny, they really do.
So now, I HAVE AN IDEA!  And I am so so so so so down to my boots excited!  I can't wait for this to happen.  It may take some time, but I know it will.
First, we are looking for a location, location, location.  That's where we are in the dream journey.

Here's what I know, I know that you are meant for greatness--- everyone.  Stop believing all the lies you tell yourself about how it's too hard, or that you are not worthy.  I do that too, but the universe keeps showing up, telling me different.  Now I know that I need to do this for people too.  I am going to keep showing up to tell you that you can do this!  Whatever it is, you are meant to put good and light into the world.  But it's up to you to do it.

Putting my toes in the water.

I have been encouraged by many to blog.  I am scared to do this.  I am afraid of writing.  I haven't written for years and mostly because I was in a relationship where what I wrote was used against me.  So I stopped.  It was my outlet for years, a way to process, to get it out and let go. . .

Here I am again.  Writing, processing, getting it out, letting go. . .

I don't know that I have anything new to say.  I am doing what we are all doing just figuring it out as we go.  This past year has been really eye-opening, soul shifting, I am so different from where I started.  Well, maybe I just shifted back to my truth.

Last May I was in the bouts of severe depression.  I had never experienced depression like that before.  I had been sad, felt a little lost, had been in a place of grieving, but never had I been in a hole.  Alone.  In the dark, unable to find light. . . And really, I am grateful for that experience.  That journey made me get to a whole new level of compassion for others that I had not been able to tap into truly.  I had empathy before, compassion before. . .but it is different now.

I get it. I get wanting to do anything to not feel like that anymore.  I get addiction.  I get suicide.  I really, really do.  I am ever so so so so so so grateful for the people in my life who took all my brokenness and held my fragile pieces, they kept them safe until I was able to put them back in place.  Until I had the mortar to get them to stick.  You know who you are, I love you from the bottom of my heart.  But that depression, it was the longest, stickiest, hardest battle I have ever fought.  I am still tired from the fight, truth be known.  I am in the light, but I am war weary.

I count myself blessed to be on the other side of that valley of muck.  Anything that smacks of making me feel like that, I really am terrified of.  I have cut people and things out of my life because I just can't, WON'T go back there.  Is that avoidance?  Is it just self-preservation? A little PTSD?  I don't know and frankly, I don't care right now.  I am just figuring it out as I go, just like you, if you are reading this.

I have spent the year questioning and searching and battling.  I have learned some lessons.  Some new to me, but most lessons I had forgotten somewhere.  The universe has a way of putting exactly what you need right in your path when you need for as long as you need to learn what you need to learn.  Sometimes it does it over and over until you really learn the lesson.

As my oldest heart says, "Wow, I have learned a lot of lessons, Mom." She is eight, going on fifty.
So this blog, this blog is going to be about the lessons.  Some days I am going to shine bright and really get my lessons and have clarity.  Some days I am going to be confused and not know what the hell the universe wants from me!  Its a journey.  I am still learning.

Thanks for reading. . .
B